Confidence: Raising Healthy Girls & Problems with Praise

(Photo courtesy of Frampa)

I'm a Praise Junkie.

In other words, my image of myself often hinges on how others feel about me.

Fortunately, I married the opposite.
When I met my husband, I thought he was the cockiest man alive.

I admit now, he is confident.
This doesn't mean he is unaffected by what others think, but he is not dependent on others opinions; he see's opinions as just that.

Thankful as I am for this marriage of two different people and how that will afford our children healthy perspectives, it is not enough. 

I have to be conscious of what creates Praise Junkies and the risk of raising them.

There is loads of buzz about praise these days, particularly in light of Attachment Parenting. Praise, when used to manipulate children's behaviour is coined 'sugar-coated control'.

Parents trying to avoid negative control tactics (punishment) tout praise (positive attention) as the better alternative, without realizing its "two sides of the same coin." in the words of Alfie Kohn. 

The coin being control.

What happens when parents goal is not to control their children (find negative or positive ways of getting their children to obey them) but rather to help them think for themselves and create their own moral compasses. Instead of 'doing to' tactics, parents employ 'working with' tactics (Alfie Kohn); using dialogue, perspective-taking and asking your child to help with solutions.

Avoiding praise is a process that is not easy for me. 

So, I started by not saying anything. 

When she draws that (beautiful) picture, hugs her sister or uses the toilet, I had to start by biting my tongue. Once I knew it was okay not to pat her on the back every two minutes, I noticed, she never sought my approval. She does these things because she chooses to (intrinsic motivation) not because she would be liked/accepted/rewarded for doing them (external motivation.)

EXPAND ON RAISING CONFIDENT GIRLS
Playful Learning has a lovely article on tips for raising confident girls. http://playfullearning.net/raising-confident-natural-girls-10-ways-cultivate-confidence/

Fixed Mindset Vs Growth Mindset . An article by the mainstream, Baby Center UK has impressed! http://www.baby.co.uk/life_and_home/2014110430how-praise-might-harm-your-child/ It discusses how praise can pigeon hole a child who otherwise believes they have potential to grow in many areas.